challenges

A New Wall

I hit a new wall today. A mentally exhausting wall. One I didn’t initially bounce off and spring ahead like normal.

This wall was different. It started out as me being tired. Then it shifted to me being irritable. Then technology flipped a few switches that set me off kilter.

Moving on to mid-day a teenager rattled my cage. Then the rain hit. All the while work was super busy. It’s the end of the month. The end of the fiscal year. Emergencies by phone and mail.

I wanted to dish out numbers like they do at the meat counter but that’s not reality. It all needs to get done. You need to be four places at one time. It doesn’t matter if it’s pouring rain let alone if you are tired. 

When you are in the hot seat. The driver’s seat. The most relied upon seat, nothing matters. You are just expected to balance it all. But what happens when you hit the wall and don’t bounce back?

For some it may take one into a dark place in mind and body. Luckily for me I have some friends who can crack me up during the day with a funny text to lighten the load. I have some go-to gals who can be a listening ear when I want to punch everyone.

And then I can always change my scenery. For me, today I took a car ride. Got a coffee. Drank it away from people. Talked to a friend by phone. Took some deep breaths. Ordered dinner to-go. Planned an early bedtime to mentally let my brain rest.

I took to writing. This blog of course. Writing is a therapeutic outlet for me for many reasons but sharing stories of walls is important for people to read. It’s life. It’s real. It’s not filtered. There are no amazing pictures.

My wall is the beginning of what may be a long road of walls. It’s midlife womanly adjustments. The yucky m word. The one you want to be over so your cycle is history but the one you dread because of its uncertainty.

Let me just type the damn word. Menopause. Menopausal. Resident psycho to some. Bitch to others. I’m sure I’m missing a few descriptions but owning the word and its side effects is step one. One of God only knows how many steps.

Pray for me. Think of me. Lift me up in spirits if you see me against the wall. Plastered to the wall. Mentioning the wall. Or anything resembled the wall symptoms. Baggy eyes. Disheveled look. Short fuse.

The worst thing you can do is ignore my hot mess as that will make me want to isolate you. As a giver and doer I help many. Unfortunately many won’t see that need for help. That struggle at that damn wall. 

Is there a magic tea for menopause? And why the hell is the word “men” embedded in the word itself. That is just crazy because they are clueless when it comes to dealing with a menopausal woman. Just sayin’.

mEn-oh-PAuse: your lady friend is about to go batshit crazy. Clear the fuck out now. Don’t pause. Run. Hide. It’s safer that way.
If the DICtionary doesn’t say that it really should. Fun fact!

adventure, working women

Look Pretty, Play Dirty

Can you look pretty and play dirty? Yes, you can. As an adult you can dress up and go to the office and turn around and play in the mud when you get home. As a teen you can go to the ball field by day and put on a prom dress by night. You can be up to your elbows in soil or manure then rinse off, quick change, lip gloss and off to a date. Lab coats and litmus strips by day can become Lush and Louboutins by night without much effort. Like “I Dream of Jeannie” in TV history, we wiggle our noses, blink, and change happens almost before your eyes. It seems pretty easy.

I have a Jeep. It has big tires and it’s meant to get dirty. It’s a recreational vehicle. Great to take to the beach and get sandy or mountains to get muddy. Perfect to take me up snowy roads and hold all my equipment too. Then of course it can also make the commute to the office or a business meeting. It can clean up nice with a good washing thus be able to look pretty after playing dirty.

My Jeep is still a dynamic piece of machinery. Built with strength in mind. Robust. Rugged. Eye catching. People can reflect the same.

I think about this vehicle and its contrast to people. Does your vehicle say something about you, your spirit, your identity? Maybe in some ways it mirrors or accents you. I like the rugged, beefy look. Others may choose something sleeker.

Even if you choose a car for efficiency, you can add some spice to make it reflect your spirit. Stickers, license plates, ornaments for the rear view mirror and more. Bike racks, kayak rigs, and all those accessories show that you’re ready for outdoor adventure. It is all in the details. Why be generic? Many of us spend a lot of our waking lives driving around. Shouldn’t it make you smile? Be an extension of who you are? Not just functional, but fun and even flashy, too.

Can a female athlete be competitive on the field, but turn around and be a beauty queen? Of course. One may have thick thighs, robust shoulders, and undeniable strength as an athlete but turn around and clean up ever so nice after a tough day on the field or In the gym. Much like my Jeep. Pretty doesn’t have to be dainty and reserved. Something nice to look at without much substance. As much as others may try to pigeonhole us to be just one way, we can resist and embrace all of who we are.

People are versatile just like my Jeep. Big tires, thick thighs they are both purposeful in their own way. In honor of my look pretty play dirty mantra, check out the new decal riding around on my Jeep these days. There may or may not be another underlying message in the decal.

Despite the rollout of the new Bronco by Ford, I am still a Jeep girl. Still waiting for the Blazer to roll out but Jeep girl it is for now. Who knows what my next evolution will be?

From off road to off work to off the field I am always embracing the look pretty play dirty mantra. What’s your mantra?

challenges

The Dark Cloud

I have written about death and loss a few times in the past few months and here we are again. Another visit to the darkness.

Another awesome soul is in the window of death. Just 61 years old. This time it’s cancer that is causing the suffering. Only hours remain. He will he missed.

I have so many strong women in my life taking their next step, their next breath, their next journey without their lifelong companion by their side. Scary for most of them but triumphant in other ways.

As I watch I try to support. Maybe a text message today or a visit next week. Maybe even a nod of some sort to honor the memory of their loved one. I’m glad it’s not me sitting in the hot seat but it definitely gives me perspective.

It allows me to value today and not wait for tomorrow on anything. Tomorrow is not guaranteed and that we all know. Today is here and many won’t seek out change or opportunities because they worry about failing or falling or whatever one calls it.

I choose daily. I choose to live life on the edge. I don’t want to wonder what I didn’t do when the day comes for my call to hospice. Until then you will find me making memories anywhere and everywhere. I will also remind as many as I can that they should do the same.

Life is precious. Cherish the moments that will last a lifetime. This is your reminder to make today amazing.

I will leave you with this photo of my mom. A milkshake date for her recent birthday. Her first alone without my dad. She is one of the special ladies I am watching take their next step.

She even tried a jalapeno on this day which is definitely out of her comfort zone. Maybe it was a test to say I’m here. I am still fighting even if I’m alone. One new experience at a time.

dare to be different

I Bit the Bullet

I took a plunge. I dove in head first. I sealed the deal. What does this all mean?

I made an investment of sorts. One that could potentially build wealth or it could do the opposite and drain the bank. One of those things you never know when you take an investment plunge. I guess that’s part of the allure for some.

Opportunity knocked and due diligence was done. Pandemic or not, opportunity is still abundant even if not all can see it. Not all ended the way I envisioned but the deal was done with mild hesitation.

Will my hang ups on the front end of deal be a hindrance in the long run or was it just part of the process? Only time will tell.

Speaking of time we are in the midst of so much uncertainty in the environment that the timing of such non-traditional investments can cause eye rolls. Should we conduct business? Should we freeze spending? Should we buy low in hopes of a big return on investment? Should we save for a rainy day? So many questions.

Many people will have many different answers on the above. For me I go with my gut. If it feels good, I go for it. If not, I’ll wait for the next chance. In this instance I dug deep and went for it. I took note of short-term conflicts and pressed forward focusing on the horizon or what lies ahead.

Nobody my age has lived through a pandemic thus it’s impossible to know right from wrong when it comes to tough decisions these days. One thing I am sure of: if you don’t take a risk you can never garner the rewards. You will always miss 100% of the shots you never act upon.

For today I will live as if tomorrow is not promised. If tomorrow is here I will hopefully be standing on higher ground. Wish me luck as I step into a new investment arena. I will be singing “it’s Corona time!” in a few years or drowning my sorrows in Corona saying I guess I learned a pandemic lesson.

See you on the flip side.

fitness and nutrition, friendship

Virtual Fun

Well this weekend I should have been in Nashville, TN running the Wonder Woman 10k race with some of my gal pals.

Unfortunately, pandemic distancing rules made that trip a no go. Instead I got my shirt, medal, wrist bands and instructions by mail. For the record I loved the shirt but had to give it away because it was meant for a tiny 12 year old who hadn’t developed their bust yet or maybe the manufacturer assumed thick girls don’t run?!?!

The task was to complete a virtual 10k. Seems simple enough as I have done many but then you have to decide where to run, when to run and and and. We opted for the same date, Sunday, May 3rd. Then we opted for an area that we knew was a set distance to and from. The plan was in motion. The gal pals were on target.

Additional friends heard what we were doing locally and jumped in on the fun. Oh but the day came and I forgot many things. Planning my food intake before. Going to bed early. Gel packs for the race. Best shorts to avoid chaffing. And best of all no water on the trail and I didn’t pack any. Guess I was too excited for the coffee reward after.

Another pandemic glitch was no bathrooms to potty at. Even though Starbucks serves coffee it’s only drive through so no potty breaks along the way was tough. My stretching before was lacking as well but I made the attempt. The little details matter and I guess that’s why you pay a race fee for all the extras.

Another missed sidebar was the noise. No crowds cheering to push you. No people in front of you to follow. No funny signs to read. Completing a virtual 10k was harder than I expected. I didn’t get my best time but I wasn’t planning for a best time. I was just aiming to complete what I had set out to accomplish. 6.2 miles in heat, no water, no bathroom and old playlist playing in my ears. Just me and the pavement. A lot of boring and a lot of reasons to give up.

I finished the task. I might have even dodged a few golf carts on this trek which is not something I would not normally see in a race. My first virtual race is full of memories and mental milestones. I will cherish the time and reflect on what I accomplished while many pass judgment on my actions of exercising outdoors.

I also completed the event with about 8 people I knew who jumped in on the adventure. We kept our distance which was easy since we are all varied paces. We celebrated seeing each other in person. We even got bullied at the end by an elderly man wondering where our masks were. Oh the irony as this senior was supposed to be quarantined by his age alone. I guess this confirms my note above about people passing judgement. It happens every day. Nobody is immune to judgment. My first virtual run is one and done. Proud of myself and my Sunday Funday runners.

The next day is here and I am not sore which is good. I’m on to my next adventure which is slated for a triathlon in July thanks to my annual summer 10k race being postponed until November. Still not sure if the triathlon will take place but I’m staying optimistic and I’m training as if it’s on the calendar.

Look out world. I’m running, biking or swimming your way.