Tag: loss

friendship, Uncategorized

The Day the Music Died

2chicksandapen

It was music that bonded us.

One of the ways I volunteered for my daughters’ high school sports teams was to be their announcer. I didn’t mind being on the mic as many others do. Over time, as we would travel around to watch at other stadiums, we added touches to make the game experience more fun at home. One of these was a great playlist. I had been a DJ in college as well as a multi-instrument musician, so I loved doing this. But it was honestly too much to manage between music and announcing the game. I was so grateful when one of the moms on the team texted me in the early part of junior year, asking if I would mind if her husband come up and play music during the game. What a relief!

He made an instant impact on the game experience with his wise, witty, wonderful music choices. This man, a busy professional, constant volunteer, and dedicated family man, had taken the time to think through choices that would enhance the game experience and make the fans and players happy. A little thing that made a big difference. As an avid playlist maker myself, I loved it.

I didn’t really know him all that well before he came up and took that spot next to me in the booth. Off the field, he struck me as a truly solid friend and family man who always had a smile on his face and an affable spring in his step. On the field, I respected him…he had coached my daughter several times and was an uncanny balance of demanding and supportive. In one of my earliest memories of him, he pulled me aside one night on the rooftop of a random hotel as all the team parents socialized around a bonfire on one of those many summer club season trips. He told me how to help my daughter achieve her dreams. Totally unprompted, he came forward with advice and counsel just because he liked to help and encourage the girls he coached and cared about. Him in a nutshell.

Over the years we spent side by side in the booth, we shared many moments of elation, frustration, puzzlement, and awe as our daughters and their teammates took on opponents.

We also shared many laughs as we tried to match songs to the situations on the field. All were funny…even as some were borderline cheeky or a little inappropriate. All the “rain” and “storm” songs we would play to an empty stadium while on a lightning delay. The songs abut waiting while the refs had long discussions about calls. Special songs for different girls on the team. Songs about shots, misses, winning, etc. It was like a little game of name that tune. A sing along we had in the press box. Taking turns to see if we could name the artists and titles. Who could think of a song to match the situation. Dancing in our seats. It was the music that bonded us. And the love for the sport, the team, and our daughters.

He is gone now. Murdered in a senseless act of violence. The void he has left impacts many.

As I miss him, thoughts of him come to me in songs all the time. When I am working out, listening on my drive….there will be a line and boom I think of him. I often smile as my eyes well with tears, thinking of those who miss him and the legacy of service he leaves behind. Cheers to ordinary heroes and the moments they make in the lives of many. We miss you, my friend.

… Kudos, my hero
Leavin’ all the mess
You know my hero
The one that’s on

… There goes my hero
Watch him as he goes
There goes my hero
He’s ordinary.

-Foo Fighters

Cheers to ordinary heroes and the moments they make in the lives of many. We miss you, my friend.

mental health, perspective

Just 11 Days

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It was the wee hours of the morning. 4:00 am to be exact. The loneliness set in. My partner in crime was whisked away yet again for 11 days. These days seem manageable in isolation yet in combination lies the challenge. 

The void that lingers. 11 days. 22 days. 33 days. When a year passes and you miss far more days than you have the sadness sets in. How much was missed? How much made the cut? Was it enough? Some weeks it’s a Monday that you feel the toll in life hit. Other weeks the sleepless worry hits on Tuesday. Sometimes it hits more than one day. It’s a vicious cycle.

Sometimes life puts obstacles or signals in your path to test your strength: to test your resilience. Sometimes these barriers seem impossible yet we find a way to push onward. I’m in the midst of reading the latest royal book, Spare. It’s odd to think about the word spare in the context of the book. A spare child. A spare heir. A spare to discard. No matter how many pages deep I am in the book, I will be forever held up by the word spare.

My life doesn’t have spares. I don’t have spare kids. I don’t have spare friends. I don’t have spare time with either. I don’t spare any part of my life. That means the time I miss can’t be spared at all. Oh the quandary of that latter statement.

How do you count time when you can’t spare time? You don’t. You wander through empty space as if time wasn’t associated. A wading of sorts. You are there but not really there. The shell of you is present but the mind space has drifted somewhat to a space in time that is all-inclusive of your special people. Drifting or wading through memories of past and memories to come in the future.

The book speaks to losing a mum. I have a mum. A mummy. A mommy. I certainly don’t have a spare mommy and I am certainly not a spare to my kids. Rather I’m present just like my mom. No matter the challenge I’m there. No matter the challenge she is there. But one day will Mommy always be there? The sad reality is no. For now I won’t spare my time as mummy or with mummy for it is valued. For those of you who don’t have that opportunity with your mum, my heart hurts for you.

With grief many occupy head space with memories of those lost but not forgotten. Sometimes that includes a mom. I reflect on this as a mom I know lost her battle with cancer this week. Her time wasn’t spared. 

Many include the missing in future plans honoring their memories. Holding on to the happy times together. I do this often. My nephew. My dad. My good friends. Those gone too soon due to death, but there are others who leave for other reasons. Maybe a big move to a new city. Maybe an experience of a lifetime overseas. Maybe even a work obligation causing one to live elsewhere temporarily. Time away. A void that may never be replaced.

I may lose 11 days today. 22 days the next cycle or 33 the next round. What makes this particular trek difficult is the unknown. How long does time sit in this stage. Does it continue for infinity as it does with one who dies? Does it keep looping in terms of days or weeks as it does now? I can’t stay lost in the empty space of consciousness. I must shift.

As 2023 rounded the corner I shifted from the dullness of being lonely to a new mindset of lonely. One that isn’t perfectly designed as I’m in it. I’m just more aware. I’m conscious within the subconscious. I’m trucking through new obstacles in a different way. I’m not sparing time as time can’t be spared. People can’t be spared. Those important will never be spare at all. I’m valuing the front and center and focusing less on the loss(es). 

None of us can reverse time. None of us can spare or bank time. Every week I will be present in my own little ways. Avoiding spare time. Spare people. Forging ahead on borrowed time. If there is such a thing.

working women

Gains

2chicksandapen

Nothing ventured. Nothing gained.

If we never take risks in life we may miss out on big rewards. On the flip side instead of rewards we could belly flop if we take the wrong risk. This is the life of an entrepreneur.

Those who risk it all for something but know nothing may be the end result. Those who bank on their own instincts and gut. Those who drive their own path without hesitation.

Today I gained.

Yesterday I lost.

The net result of the year was positive. Will next year be a high or low? What will I need to do in 2023 to rebuild, reinvest, or refocus my priorities? The ever changing landscape, I call life.

Buying.

Selling.

Upgrading.

Repurposing.

Shuffling.

Juggling.

I think multitasking is engrained in my soul. Tomorrow’s dream has now become today’s reality. Yesterday is now a history lesson. The horizon shows promise yet I’m unsure of my direct path. The curiosity. The chaos. The calm. The storm. The can’ts. Then the cans. Then the wills. Then the now.

It’s time to go beyond. Time to find what’s still achievable. Time to discover new limits. Off I go to live my next adventure.

challenges, change

Bravery and Courage

2chicksandapen

She is a brave girl.

She is a smart girl.

She is lost without her male role models.

She lost one to death. 

She lost one to a girl.

She lost one to the military.

Each taken without warning.

Each situation left a scar.

A pandemic hit and a new loneliness surfaced. A quiet and new normal that included loneliness and suffering no one ever could have prepared you for. Fear. Anxiety. Depression. Rules. Masks. It all came at once. Then death hit. Then separation of a new kind. And then the final take away. All strong male figures in her life. Uprooted. Gone. Without notice. Taken from her. She wants to know why!

She shows bravery and courage every day she tackles the world around her. Making strides while battling her own why me? She is a warrior in my eyes. A diamond among us all. We should all be so blessed to know her and her strength.

She has to fight in order to shine bright on her own. Such a young age to learn such life lessons. Taken. Gone. Stolen.

How can I ever fill the void of these three men? In honor of of International Women’s Day I tip my hat to all of the strong females fighting for themselves each and every day. 

challenges, perspective

A Life Cut Short

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Recently, someone in my daughter’s close friend group experienced a great loss. A tragic accident. A death, completely unexpected. Not his fault. A shock out of the blue.

I had met this young man a couple of times. I have photos of him, since he was in the group for my daughter’s high school dances. I had been introduced to him once. Still, such a sudden loss makes every parent in the community shudder.

My kids laugh at them when I tell them to be safe. Don’t drink (and if you do, don’t drive). Don’t do drugs. Stay alert. Make good choices. Check in when you get there. Leave early. Slow down. Assume everyone else is drunk or not paying attention. This young man probably followed every single one of these rules and still, he is gone.

In most cases, you may not know the last words you’ll say to a person. A loved one. A friend. Every time they leave you, every time you hang up, every time you text it could be the last time. Stop and think of the people who mean the most to you. How have you left it with them? Yes, right now. Today. Sure, saying “I love you” to a friend all the time may seem foolish. Maybe you just aren’t that way. But how can you leave things so that you’d be content with those being your last words with them? Think about it. Do they know how you feel? Do they know what they mean to you?

Memento Mori. One of the tenets of stoicism. Remember your death. To some this might seem morbid. Too heavy. Honestly, it is useful for me. It means pay attention to what matters. Keep your shit in order. Don’t drown in the trifling details. Don’t waste time on petty arguments or people who are just not meant for you. Invest in what is meaningful. All you have is now. Don’t waste it.

I watched the beautiful slide show for this 20 year old young man. I saw his smiles. His family vacations. Trips to the university his family loved. The dinners with friends. The light in his eyes when he looked at my daughter’s friend. I wept for him and what everyone who loved him lost. All the dreams that would go unfulfilled. The awful anniversaries that would come over and over and over again. I wept for the life cut short.

Do the important things now. Make a list. Start checking it off. Do them with the people who matter to you. Time is ticking and we don’t get it back. Not fun to think about. But let that motivate you to embrace life NOW. Not next year. Not when you have more time. NOW. Live big. Love well. Embrace life.

Now.