challenges

Time

I try to be generous with what I have. I love to buy people gifts when I see something that reminds me of them. I give to causes that mean something to me. I am lucky that I can even afford to lend you 50 bucks if you need it once in a while.

But there is one thing I am kind of stingy about.

My time.

There’s a saying…invest in land, because land is the one thing they can’t make any more of. I’d argue that time is also in that category. The thing with time is that we also don’t know how much we have of it, which makes it even more precious. Before we know it, it may run out.

I am guarded with my time. I never have enough. Lots of responsibilities and things to look after…my family, my job, my property. I invest a lot of time in my health. Time driving, time cooking, doing chores and errands…seems like there is very little left once everything is more or less taken care of.

Sometimes this means I look wishy washy when people make plans. Sometimes I just wait until the last minute. I preserve my time for me, just in case.

If I give you a bit of the time I have left, that really means something. I value you enough to give that precious resource that I try to guard very carefully.

So here’s the rant-ish point of this post:

Don’t waste my time.

I was recently in a situation where someone asked me to spend a morning on something for them. I reluctantly agreed, since it really wasn’t an activity I cared to do. But I kind of let myself be bullied into it, and was crabby about it all the days leading up to it. I wasted a bunch of energy being mad about it. And then, with very little fanfare or announcement, the event that I had been grouchy about got canceled at the very last minute. Like, very last minute. Meaning I had already showed up to attend and participate. So there was no chance to regroup, reschedule, refocus. Tasks that could have been taken care of on that rare quiet weekend day were put off.

Maybe other people have more flexibility with how they spend their time. Maybe I’m just a grump. But I was so damn angry after that I could have just screamed. I think I did scream, actually. I shook my head and grumbled for many days, I know.

My lesson for me: just like money, don’t give my time away if I care if it gets wasted. If I’d be angry if they don’t come through, just say no. Also, be brave enough to draw those boundaries even when I feel bullied by people who are supposed to be family or friends. No one cares about my time as much as I do. Nor can I expect them to.

What’s funny is most of the people who I would willingly give the time to are the very ones who wouldn’t dare to waste it. Maybe that’s part of what creates trust, understanding, and friendship.

challenges, change

Stand Back

Hands off.

Stand back.

Let things take their course.

This is hard for many of us when we are watching what could be a slow motion tragedy unfolding. It’s especially hard for helpers (see my enneagram for more). I want to help. I want to fix. I want to make it all better for the people I care about.

I have been a helper for as long as I can remember. Being a helper is alive in my profession. It’s alive in my volunteer positions. It’s key to how I shape my days. So telling me not to help is like telling me to not be myself.

I have grown to understand that I have to fill my own cup first. This was a big step for me. I can’t help others if I am empty myself. But this is different…In the past few years, I’ve heard the cries of friends telling me that sometimes doing for others really isn’t a help. It robs them of the chance to gain their own power, self-esteem, self-worth. Still, I had a hard time stepping away when people asked for my help. Heck, I even offered help when it wasn’t even asked for.

Push finally came to shove in a situation and I had to step back. The bridge to help was too wide to cross, so I somehow let it go. I worked through the guilt. The shame. The pain. And just let others take the reins of their troubles and their successes.

This enabling isn’t always an easy pattern to break, especially in the beginning. There is time and energy to redirect. All the feelings and urges have to be tamped down. It may sound a little self-serving to say it hurts not to help, but it’s true.

It has taken time. What has surprised me is hearing from loved ones that they don’t hate me or disapprove of me standing back. That secret worry has not come to pass, at least not to my face. If there are people out there who are disappointed in me, close up, far away, or even not with us anymore, they have not shared with me.

And after some time and restraint, it has been rewarding to watch people begin to take control of their lives. Is it an immediate success? No. There are bumps and setbacks and disappointments. I can try to be there to support during these times and listen. I can think about what is truly necessary and try to provide some of that. But I really default to staying back and letting the person sort it out themselves. They are strengthening their own muscles whether they like it or not.

I find myself becoming more self-reliant and independent in the wake of these decisions. I also feel a little less me, but I am living with that. I am learning what boundaries work for me and my resources…time, emotion, financial, and more.

adventure

Activities on the Road

It’s been a summer of travel so far. Short hops, long hauls, flights, drives, and everything in between. Not too long ago I wrote about how I like to experience places through local food and drink. In recent years, experiences have become as much of my joy in travel as the snacks and sips.

Here are my favorite resources for finding cool things to do on the road:

1.) TripAdvisor – This is, hands down, my favorite guide for activities and attractions. TripAdvisor is especially great for finding guided tours. Recently, in Colorado, we wanted to do a whitewater rafting trip. I looked at TripAdvisor first for reviews of the companies. After narrowing it down to a few top-rated and reviewed services, we went to their websites to check out schedules, pricing, and more. We ended up finding a great company with a skilled, friendly guide (and a top-notch riverside catered lunch!)

2.) Ask someone who knows – My daughter was recently in Colorado and had some great adventures. She’s also a travel professional at Ellie’s Travel Bug. She was quick to offer suggestions for our time in Colorado with a suggestion to visit Garden of the Gods in Colorado Springs. We customized our trip with something new and fun, E-Bikes. I loved that we could make it as strenuous or chill as we wanted. Without Ellie, I wouldn’t have thought to head that direction. Another idea: if you’re at an air bnb, be sure to check out their suggestions or ask the host. We found a great swimming hole on a recent trip from a host’s tip.

3.) Take a Hike (or a Bike) – Hitting the trails is one of my favorite ways to experience a place. I use AllTrails for hiking and TrailLink for bikes. The reviews are priceless, especially the recent ones. Be sure to screenshot or download information about trails before you head out. Sometimes you won’t have service on the trail!

4.) Get Lucky – I’ve found great things through Only In Your State and other travel sites. Not surprisingly, when I start looking for cool things to do in a destination, the internet knows to send me all kinds of ads and resources. Sometimes those random ads pay off.

No matter what, get off the beaten path and do some interesting things on you travels. Even a day trip from home can leave you refreshed and renewed. What resources do you use when planning an adventure?

perspective

Pandemic Dilemmas

(A note: sometimes posts for our blog sit on the backburner. There’s all kinds of reasons for this. The post below was written in April 2020.  It has lived in the drafts folder ever since.  Current news and trends brought it back to mind these past couple of weeks, and it seems as relevant as it was then, if not more so. The resources I worry about most now are our health care workers, but as you can read, those worries were already bubbling up last April.)

It was the classic problem.

Hans has a sick child.  Hans is poor and can’t afford the medicine his child needs to live.  Is Hans morally wrong for stealing the medicine his child needs to survive?

In the eyes of the law, sure he would be wrong.  Stealing is a crime. He doesn’t have the right to take what belongs to someone else.  But is he blameworthy?  If he does it, should he go to jail for it?  If he doesn’t steal it, isn’t there a different kind of penalty?

I was a philosophy major in college, specializing in ethics, or figuring out right / wrong / morality. I shouldn’t say figuring it out, since we rarely if ever got to the bottom of anything.  But we spent a lot of time thinking about Hans and these sticky situations, where different people have different rights and those rights cross or conflict.  Moral dilemmas.  So many of the ones that interested me most involved relationships, deciding who is more important, and trying to figure out a good reason why.

I’ve had my moments of anxiety during the course of the coronavirus so far.  But it’s the dilemmas that trouble me most. I get deeply, truly sad when I think about health care workers being forced to make decisions about who has access to life saving medical equipment if supplies are running out.

Here’s an example: Two 50-year old men come in to the ER at roughly the same time, in roughly the same condition, same medical history. About the only meaningful difference is that one of them has three kids, one of them has none. Should that be the deciding factor if only one of them can have a ventilator?

Of course, it only gets more complicated.  What if the one with the kids is overweight and pre-diabetic while the other is in good overall health.  Or one is married, the other is a widower (and what if the one with the kids is the widower, or the one without kids…does that matter?)  One is an affluent business owner with many employees who depend on him, the other is on public assistance.  One is insured, the other is not.  One is African American, the other is White. Add in factors of gender, age, medical history, addiction, other ailments that might be seen as patient life choices (like smoking) and others that are genetic.  You can see how the picture gets very complicated very quickly.  What matters?  What doesn’t?  Who decides?

In our medical ethics classes, we would talk about assisted suicide and the problems with a doctor “playing God,” deciding who lives and who dies…or in the coronavirus case, who even has the chance.

I know a taste of this, from when I was the one who made the decision to take my father off of breathing support to effectively end his life.  Even though he had prepared me to do it and I felt confident it was the right thing, it still stays with me. I will just say that all of this is simpler when it is clear cut.  Still, it is not simple and never easy.

I know there are people who question if this whole pandemic is real.  If all the staying at home and disruption of our daily lives is necessary.  As a member of a family who is supported by a restaurant, I face the same economic uncertainty that has so many people anxious, restless, angry, and scared. I can’t minimize that suffering, but I hope that the help in our communities and from our leaders will sustain us for a little while until we can get the virus more or less medically managed.

What wakes me up at night, though, is thinking of the doctors.  The nurses.  The medical heroes whose hearts and minds will be scarred from watching people die that they truly wanted to help.  That they could have and would have made a valiant effort to save in nearly any other circumstance.  The people they eventually had to walk away from because there wasn’t enough equipment to go around. The trauma to their hearts and minds is immeasurable, not to mention all the people who might not have a chance to survive if we run out of ICU resources.

I believe these moments say much about our values as a culture, as a society. Can we just sit tight for a little bit? Can we help our neighbors and loved ones survive this strange and challenging moment in history?  In my mind, if we can prevent the damage to those who care for us and give everyone a chance to get access to care, as they say flattening the curve can, we should.  If you doubt that this is a real thing, please find a health care worker and listen to them.  Please.

There are a million other issues with this situation.  Reasons to be angry, stressed, depressed.  Some day I may write about my worries over my students now trying to learn at home.  Or the heroism of medical workers who continue to show up and do their jobs when they are inadequately protected.  Or the many other front line workers, often forgotten and in high risk but low-paying jobs.

Surely, some day soon I may be writing about an actual Hans, who lost his hours at his job and needs medicine for his kids. Those stories are out there and more are coming.  The economic, social, mental, and physical impacts will be spinning out for years and years. Once this initial crisis has passed, we will turn our full attention to the suffering of many other groups who need help, who need heart, who need solutions. We will be writing about this for a long time. This is an endurance test. Both our patience muscles and our helping muscles must grow, strengthen, and sustain throughout this marathon.

But for now, in this initial fury, I worry for the doctors and nurses and patients.  It takes me back to those college classrooms, before I had kids of my own, when Hans’s predicament was nothing more than an interesting little thought experiment to ponder. Now I have kids.  And a lot more to lose.  I don’t wish true dilemmas on anyone.  While there is a choice, there is no win.

awareness

Need Help?

In today’s ever-changing world many people need help. Maybe from the stress of what’s in front of them and maybe the stress that is indirectly hitting them.

This post is meant to be a resource page. It may not help everyone who reads this post but it’s meant to offer hope in what is a challenging time for many.

If you were impacted by recent storms in the southern United States, the above number may be helpful.

If you or anyone you know is having trouble coping with the stress relating to managing life during COVID-19, this suicide prevention help line may be a resource worth sharing.

If you reside in the great state of Georgia, the above COVID-19 support resource list may be just what you need access to.

Remember we are all in this crazy mess together. Taking advantage of a free resource or passing on such information is prevention education. It’s a way to offer hope in a challenging time.

2 Chicks and a Pen consider mental health of utmost concern these days. We do our part to write online to motivate others as well as offer hope when needed. If these resources don’t cover your geographical area, find some that do and pass the information on.

You never know who is struggling in silence. With many forced into reclusive environments a lifeline resource can be a life-saving option.

Hugs and love from 2Chicks. We are smiling big at you!