perspective

Floating

Today I am floating. Drifting off in my mind. Thinking. Wondering. Being overly curious. Where did my mind go?

Many places were visited whiled I drifted but somehow I circled back to what was missing. Things or situations I’m missing because of the pandemic.

I miss the care free days of no masks. I miss the smiles you share with a passer by when walking at the park. I miss the handshakes with a colleague at the business meeting. I miss hugs. Human contact in general. Just so many things or situations I miss.

Then I think about a different kind of loss. How many people that have been lost for whatever reason during the pandemic. So many I know that had been put to rest without a proper farewell. Is it a coincidence that the death toll is high even if not pandemic related causes of death? Maybe those just gave up because they missed things like me. We will never know but I do drift to the place where I think about it.

So many things or situations seem unfair right now in life. Many changes that seemed temporary or are they permanent? All these changes have consequences. Now businesses are starting to crumble. Even if you have money to spend sometimes it’s hard to spend it with limited working hours, restrictions and lack of availability.

I needed to buy a couch. No stock. Not even the floor model was available. The store was down to bare minimums because the supply chain has been interrupted. I had money to spend. The salesman wanted his commission. No deal could be made. That is hard on any business.

You want to get your nails done. A local shop used to be open 7 days. Now it’s 3 days and appointments required. No fun break at the movies. No adventure day window shopping at the mall. I can’t, I won’t, I shouldn’t, and so on. All scenarios that I don’t like to comprehend.

I’ve filled my time with other things but I do still miss what I had access to pre-corona. As I drift, I think will hope be restored in our world? Will there be a new normal or something that closely resembles the old day-to-day.

I miss laughter. I miss touch. I miss many things and situations. I have these feelings and I know many others have similar or different feelings about the subject. I’m writing about it. Others may vent in other ways. Some may give up.

Be aware of friends, family and coworkers who may be struggling. It may be anxiety, financial stress, emotional burdens from previous scars of life and so on. Keep your antenna up and offer hope when you can.

May tomorrow the best day you can imagine. Drift, dream, float in your mind to escape the troubles of the day in some way. It’s a way to cope with change. Keeping in mind I love change personally but I don’t love my world to change without my input. I don’t want the unsteady ground. I want the sturdy ground.

Maybe my altered reality in my mind is where I find peace while we are living a pandemic life in the current. Drift away your way. I know I do.

family

Loss

Today was a hard day. I had to bury my dad.

His passing during the pandemic did not make saying goodbye easy. In actuality it was far more complicated than I could have imagined.

The delays started with scheduling. Only one funeral a day impacted how many days after death the funeral would actually take place. This was the first oddity.

I am choosing to write about this only because many will never know or experience how the pandemic impacted saying good-bye for me and my mom. Life offers perspective from many viewpoints. For me I thought this was an interesting perspective to share.

There was no wake. No time for folks to come and pay final respects. There was only a small window of time the day of burial for a selected handful of people to pay respects. This alone makes mourning the loss hard. So many didn’t get to see him off as we might have envisioned.

Some couldn’t come because of fear of germs. Some chose not to attend because of riots. Some were not able to attend because of their sheer age and restrictions in the area. This made my mom very sad.

No hugs for loved ones. No special memories shared. And how could I forget those who could come had to wear masks and keep their distance when all everyone really wants to do is give a hug to show your love and support for the loss suffered.

One vivid memory I have of the day was when my cousin stood about 15 feet away, fully masked saying “I’m going stay over here just in case you have corona.” Who wants to feel like they have a disease when burying their spouse. So bizarre but this is how today is.

Despite all of the above, the send off was as beautiful as it could be with current environmental conditions. As we forge ahead in our grieving process we will hold on to the memories made over time. There were many. Choosing to focus on what we had vs. what we lost is how we choose to move ahead.

I will immerse myself in a project to honor my dad. I will find a way to carry his spirit in all I do. I will find a way to let my children know of the values he gave to me.

I hope this funeral perspective let’s you think of how others may have been impacted by loss during corona above and beyond the loss of privilege of toilet paper.