Category: challenges

challenges, change

Stand Back

2chicksandapen

Hands off.

Stand back.

Let things take their course.

This is hard for many of us when we are watching what could be a slow motion tragedy unfolding. It’s especially hard for helpers (see my enneagram for more). I want to help. I want to fix. I want to make it all better for the people I care about.

I have been a helper for as long as I can remember. Being a helper is alive in my profession. It’s alive in my volunteer positions. It’s key to how I shape my days. So telling me not to help is like telling me to not be myself.

I have grown to understand that I have to fill my own cup first. This was a big step for me. I can’t help others if I am empty myself. But this is different…In the past few years, I’ve heard the cries of friends telling me that sometimes doing for others really isn’t a help. It robs them of the chance to gain their own power, self-esteem, self-worth. Still, I had a hard time stepping away when people asked for my help. Heck, I even offered help when it wasn’t even asked for.

Push finally came to shove in a situation and I had to step back. The bridge to help was too wide to cross, so I somehow let it go. I worked through the guilt. The shame. The pain. And just let others take the reins of their troubles and their successes.

This enabling isn’t always an easy pattern to break, especially in the beginning. There is time and energy to redirect. All the feelings and urges have to be tamped down. It may sound a little self-serving to say it hurts not to help, but it’s true.

It has taken time. What has surprised me is hearing from loved ones that they don’t hate me or disapprove of me standing back. That secret worry has not come to pass, at least not to my face. If there are people out there who are disappointed in me, close up, far away, or even not with us anymore, they have not shared with me.

And after some time and restraint, it has been rewarding to watch people begin to take control of their lives. Is it an immediate success? No. There are bumps and setbacks and disappointments. I can try to be there to support during these times and listen. I can think about what is truly necessary and try to provide some of that. But I really default to staying back and letting the person sort it out themselves. They are strengthening their own muscles whether they like it or not.

I find myself becoming more self-reliant and independent in the wake of these decisions. I also feel a little less me, but I am living with that. I am learning what boundaries work for me and my resources…time, emotion, financial, and more.

author moments, awareness, challenges

It’s Been A Week

2chicksandapen

This week is one for the record books. 

So much to do in my own day-to-day life. The normal tasks. The one-off tasks. The fitness regimen. The community service. The people time. Travel. Life a-z. Then a boom hits. A real shocker nobody could ever plan for. Indirect connection. Direct connection. Neither matters when the boom is so hard the shock wave spirals for miles and miles. That’s what happen when a child dies that is interwoven in communities near and far due to school, church and sports connections.

My community is mourning the loss of a young girl. The day-to-day life seems insignificant yet life continues for our family. A guilt one should not want to feel. As a coach of young girls, I check in on social media. I text. I watch. I have to keep an eye out. I see so much hurt. I check in with other parents to see how grief is setting in on their home front. I see sadness on faces that normally boast bright smiles. I see prayer groups running non stop. Everyone is trying to get by with a little help from……

God

The community

Family

Friends

Loved ones

Many are holding on to cherished memories. Many are wondering why they didn’t get to say goodbye. Others are thinking why did I not do this or maybe why did I say that. When loss hits without warning so many raw emotions are stirred up. Time has become a thief. Time is no longer an option with that person. The loss of not doing is what is so hard.

Healing has begun for this community in some ways. No one will really ever understand the why behind this incident. None of us will really be exactly the same. Some kids will learn lessons and some will sit in the darkness for many reasons. Life is full of experiences and unfortunately death is one of them. Living through loss is where growth can happen even if it’s extremely hard in the moment. I’m learning how to be a better parent for example. I’m learning how to talk more deeply with other parents on how they are handling this type of grief and/or teaching moments.

I am however not passing judgment on the young girl. I am not passing judgment on the others involved. It’s not my place. It’s also not for me to decide who was in the wrong. My job is to be patient. To learn. To love. To be present. That’s it. Just a support role. A support for whomever needs it. When they need it. Today. Tomorrow. A year from now.

I will think of the color blue a little differently now. The baby blue hue that is a memory of her bright light on the world. A soft color to represent an angel in the distance. May her new journey be one that allows her to soar among the powdery blue skies. 

As one is set to be layed to rest. I pause. I reflect on my choices. My guidance to my kids. This could be me. This could be you. This tragedy can happen in your community. Teens are not invincible despite their beliefs. It’s great to feel invincible but we all know as adults how dangerous feeling invincible can be. For now I’m one of the lucky ones. I get to hug my teen. I get to continue the process of looking at colleges. I get to support my teen during this grief.

My heart goes out to the parents who don’t have that ability any longer. My strength goes out to the families whose children’s lives were spared that night. For they feel a different kind of grief and relief and guilt. My resilience is going out to the family of the one who ultimately has to face the legal system for this unfortunate situation. Another angle of this dilemma many may forget about but one that is equally challenging. Families will hurt for years to come. 

As I close my eyes to drift into a peaceful state I say a quiet prayer for all. Everyone needs something. May peace be granted to all in the ways that each needs for healing. I am also praying for healing of all involved in the other teen incidents that just happened to occur close by in the past few weeks as well.

The teen shot leaving school.

The teen stabbed with a box cutter in the school bathroom.

The football player gunned down at the mall.

Signing off as a lucky mom today. Heartbroken for the kids and families impacted by these tragedies. May this be a reminder that we as parents are not invincible. We can all be faced with that uncertainty one day. Stay humble. Be kind. Do what you can to help others. You may need the support one day.

challenges

Another Day to Build

2chicksandapen

I am back at my construction project. That 120 square feet that I am updating for my current needs. The bandaid is on my annoying blister as a cushion.  As a bonus, I will probably have a little scar from that stupid blister. Lucky me. A badge of honor I suppose. The grungy clothes are back on. This time I will be actually wearing my gloves to avoid more bandaids. It took a good week to get rid of the ouch of the blister.

Insulation is wrapping up and the planning of the metal has begun. And maybe begun again more than once. I also scrapped the wood I was going to use and decided to use some accented bead board. A cheap alternative and easy to work with. I’m obviously not building a house thus I can use the more flimsy materials. I am calling this my lipstick renovation, Somewhat of a little puzzle to put together. I have a vision but I have to figure out how to make it look just the way I want it. Piece by piece. Brick by brick or makeshift brick. Sneak peek below.

As a pause button is hit on the faux brick the shift is made to focus on the metal. Cutting. Measuring. Assembling. Aligning the trim to cover rough edges. Let the drum roll begin. A cleaning process. Then the final touch was some sealant to keep the vintage metal from rubbing its age off on passers by. Not sure if it will work, but I guess in time I will find out. A decent stink of aerosol was in my small space just lingering in the air. Thank goodness for window ventilation and air flow. At the end of this session I was definitely happy with the assembly of the recycled metal. About 50 percent more to go. 

A level. A power saw. Screws. Snips. Elbow grease. Patience. Measuring tape. These are the ingredients for today’s progress. Maybe not as much progress as I wanted but it’s forward progress. Another half metal wall to knock out. The top half of each small wall over the metal still needs to be crafted fully but a sneak peek is below. Another puzzle of sorts now that I am on window height. A few tricky spots will be the final stages to conquer.

My next update in this series will hopefully be the final project. Progress not perfection for this project. 

challenges

Losing Sucks

2chicksandapen

Normally I will tell you losing builds character and provides opportunity to grow. That’s what I would say to a team that I coach who lost a game they put their heart and souls into. That’s what I would say to an individual I was personally coaching to get that next big job only to get passed over on a technicality. That’s what I would tell myself when I lose a tennis match, l that I really wanted to win. That’s my positive Polly personality.

However, I just get pissed when it’s a business related loss. If I lose a contract due to political connections, I stomp my feet. If I lose out on a property purchase because a good old boy squeezed another $5k into a deal, I pout a little. If I get passed over due to my gender vs. my qualifications on an opportunity my nostrils flair. The list goes on and on, but it happens because losing is part of life and business. It doesn’t make it easy, but it reality.

In 2022, I faced loss more than once in various facets of life. It’s a tiny loss each time, but the hurt runs deep. It’s a feeling that scratches my soul. In order to win in these situations I either have to compromise my ethics or play nice in a sandbox with people I would never play with on any playground. Either way you look at it, the end is the same. Lose and move on pissed or play dirty.

Look pretty. Play dirty. Should I? Should I not? Sending out a virtual middle finger to the collective group that undermined me today. May karma come your way one day. In this instance I rolled my dice and played a little dirty but not full on dirty. Just wanted get the win I suppose. Until next time may we all play like a little girl in mud pile while acting like a grown up in a manly business world. Why not look pretty but be willing to get a little dirty. Dirt washes off you know. Getting dirty once in a while keeps you young spirit intact.

challenges

Construction Time

2chicksandapen

This fall I have some action Items on the to do list that seem to fall under the construction umbrella. Small upgrades to some spaces I need to repurpose. I figured I’d document the process to show others how upfitting a property or space can be done by the inexperienced but willing person(s).

First up is this 120 foot gem of space. Today it’s hollow and empty. The only purpose would be storage in today’s state. Soon to be A little office or other type space. Power is run already making this job seem pretty easy on the surface. 

Opting for carpet squares to keep costs down and really it’s all that’s needed for this space. I thought I had my square footage accounted for but the framing took up some space making me have to cut the edges of the carpet squares. I was focused on perfection. But didn’t need to be as the trim work would cover any near perfect edge.  It was a pain, but I did it and only ended up with one blister from repetitive stress on my pointy finger cutting that damn carpet. I was happy with the patchwork outcome. I really think it made the space unique.

Next step was the trim work. I opted for some barn Like wood I snagged at Home Depot. The cost was within my budget but kept with the look and feel I was going for in the end. Day one had me using a nail gun, staple gun, box cutter, hand saw, heavy duty clipping sheers and elbow grease. Carpet was down. Trim work was complete and the insulation process started. I had to cut my day short after the itchy feeling from the insulation got to me and my blister was a small hinderence.

now I am going to wrap up this post as day one comes to an end. I feel a lot was accomplished but so much more is still to come. The next step is going to test me with cutting of metal but I am very excited to be repurposing some barn metal into this project that I was holding on to at another property. More to come but I will give you a sneak peak for now.

Only time will tell what it looks like in the end and how I tie in reclaimed items with new. Stay tuned for my next do-it- yourself (dyi) update. Taking 120square of nothing and making it into a usable space with a little personality in a short period of time and little to no experience.

Once I practice on 120 square feet, I definitely have some bigger spaces to tackle. I guess part of me staying true to myself is to keep growing as a person and testing out what I can and can’t accomplish. Sometimes I may need a little help or guidance but in the end I can say I made this, my way. It’s also good to know I may inspire another to try their own dyi project.