family

Feelings of Worry

Do feelings or worry keep you up at night or make sleeping restless? The answer for me is generally no.

However, as a mother I have had many sleepless night thanks to my kiddos. It could be when they were little without words crying. Was I doing the right thing as a mom? I could use the sleep but couldn’t sleep as I was carrying the worry burden in my mind.

Then it was when they had a cold, recovered from an injury, or even had surgery. Those seemed like tough scenarios at the time but nothing prepares you for aging kids. That’s when the grey hair comes.

There is even worry about me time. Am I being selfish making time for me when the kids could use x, y or z? Is there a capable spouse that could fill my void while I take some me time? Is my mental balance important even as a mom? Over the years feelings of worry hit at various times for various reasons resulting in sleepless nights. I think it comes with the mother territory but I don’t recall reading about it in the motherhood books.

Nothing in my mind prepares a mom for aging teens to early adults. When they drive a car will they be safe? When they leave your home to adult will they make good choices? Will they eat right? Will they make good financial decisions? So many scenarios that can be stressful if you allow it to eat away at you in your mind.

Most days I do a good job keeping those feelings at bay. However when it’s time
to lay down the law, apply pressure and push the aging kiddos, I wonder if they are ready. Did they mature? Do they have the mental toughness I had at that age? Am I being too hard?

Today’s world is complex. It doesn’t appear that kids mature at the level I was expected to at the same age. There is more coddling and hand holding. Is this society? Is it my parenting? How can one child fare okay and another struggle?

Thoughts at 4am to ponder. Do your kids even think you worry about them when they are adults? I know my mom worries and she is in her 80s. Did I make it home after a long drive? Am I too busy with work? The list goes on. But today’s kids think it’s more of a chore to check in. Why would anyone worry about me?-type attitude.

At what point does one mature and see the vantage point of others? Some days I think I’m mature. Other days I think I have plenty of growing to do. When I refer to maturity, I don’t mean physical maturity. I mean mature in life. Understanding the connectedness of people, emotions and so on.

Again just a random rant capturing the moments of sleep loss due to worry of a loved one. Another day no emergency phone call. I guess that’s a good sign for now. It’s my thought they think I have no worries but in fact they are my only worry.

Life as a mom is the hardest job in the world yet it’s the most rewarding. The job doesn’t pay money but it pays overtime in memories, experiences and keeps you on your toes.

Enjoy today. Live like there is no tomorrow. Regret nothing. Worry less. That’s my mom motto.

challenges

Feeling Violated

I made a mistake the other day. I was careless. I used poor judgment. The list goes on and on. I let myself feel discouraged.

Because of my actions or inactions, I suffered. My wallet was stolen and / or misplaced. If the latter was the case a kind soul would have returned it. However if it was stolen the person would use it for their gain.

How did the situation turn nout? For the worse. Whomever located the wallet found a decent amount of cash, a photo ID, and two credit cards. They could have returned it but they didn’t.  They went to:

The liquor store first. Then the gas station. Then the local Autozone. The local sporting goods store. On to the tractor supply store. Then amazon. Then Boost mobile. A cheap hotel. Hotels.com was next. Then back to the sporting goods store 3 more times. Off to a shoe store. Back to a few gas stations.

All within less than ten miles from the place the wallet was misplaced. I feel violated. Somebody in my community is using my ID and my cards frivolously. Knowing full well it’s not theirs. It’s wrong. It’s stealing. It’s not nice.

The bad part is the business I lost the card at is one I frequent. Can I go back? I wonder if the person behind the counter took it? So many questions. The dilemma of filing a police report. Each place they chose to charge the card has cameras. The amount they charged will surely put them behind bars. Is it worth it for me? For them? For anyone?

At the end of the day, I cancelled my cards. All is okay in my world except for the fact my photo ID is floating around. Or maybe they discarded it. Maybe it’s a souvenir. It makes me feel a bit dirty and violated. Will they sell my information? Will they stalk my address?

Today’s world is full of many different people. People are messy and definitely make bad choices. It’s life.

I will unfortunately trust less now. I will lock everything up without hesitation. I will keep my head on a swivel and take mental notes of who, what, when and where I am and what my surroundings are. I won’t be violated in this way again.

I hope nobody has to feel the empty or loss I did over this situation. Clearly all items could be replaced but there is definitely an emotional scar left. A negative emotion.

Writing about emotions is healthy and why I chose to expand upon this situation. Life isn’t all a bed of roses. In my case it was a field of sharp prickly rose stems that wreaked havoc on me.

This fiasco also almost made me not attend a birthday celebration as I was in my feelings. That is also a fancy way of saying I was pouting. Needless to say I have the best group of friends who made me get my butt in gear so I could shake off the mad mojo and enjoy what was left of the day.

I did just that. I was happy until I saw that the person who stole my wallet was bold enough to hit the over $5,000.00 mark in fraudulent charges. That is more than a petty thief. That’s a habitual offender. Good luck to you whomever you are.

#2020sucks #2020shitstorm #stopthief

mental health

The Inches Between Your Ears

I’ve been dabbling in real estate lately. Mostly just looking and learning. Immersed in the language of square feet, acres, frontage, it’s a different world to play in. Comparing parcels, plats and all of that.  What makes one property more valuable than another?

Recently someone close to me became the subject of an older man’s obsession.  He physically followed her, sitting down the street from her home in a car, watching. He contacted her relentlessly through technology.  He reached out to people close to her and spread lies to try to sow mistrust and take away some of her support system. Even put a secret GPS tracker on her car.  It’s all sick and twisted and disgusting.

We hope that a confrontation with some of her family scared him off.  He’s been found out. But the legal process to get help for this situation is painfully slow.  Painfully. Slow.

In the mean time, this strong, confident young woman is staring out windows endlessly, shaken with anxiety.  She is terrified.

For all she knows, he may be down the street again watching.  Or, he may be scared away for good.

Either way, he has taken up residence in the most precious real estate she has, the inches between her ears.  Her brain.  At the moment, even if he is no longer anywhere near her, she is thinking about him.  What is he doing?  Is he going to drive by? Is he hurting people I love?  Is he trying to get to me somehow? Am I safe?

She installed cameras around her home. I will be setting up a self-defense class at a local martial arts studio.  Just to try to give her and some of her friends tools to feel safer.

But what about her mind?  Where’s the guard dog for that?  The electric fence?  The alarm bells that help her figure out when she can really let your guard down?  This is something I am thinking about for her. We can’t live on high alert all the time.

I think about it for me as well, how to protect my mental real estate.  I struggle with things like mistrust, jealousy, resentment, anger, unhealthy thinking.  I have to watch myself and learn to better control when these emotions rock me.  The Four Agreements has helped me in this, when I feel like things are getting out of hand.  I remind myself not to take things personally or make assumptions.  I focus on keeping my word and giving my best efforts.

Ultimately, as frustrating as it may be, we can only really control ourselves.  If our minds are horses galloping out of corral, out of control, it will be hard to bridle them.  I’m refreshing my mindset and the strategies I have learned to help keep my mental real estate protected.  How do you protect and preserve those precious inches between your ears?

 

 

celebrations, fitness and nutrition

Festivus Games Was No Joke

Well, this comp was a little different about 5 minutes after I signed up! Then, when I got to the competition site the crazy level stepped up a bit….the competition was 90% outside. Holy smokes.

Looking back, I somehow stacked 1/2 marathon training, a 45 day bicep/tricep challenge, a physical residence move, a big trip to see family and life on top of comp training and my regular CrossFit and adult life.

What was I thinking? I probably wasn’t thinking until I hit the WODs hard the 2 weeks prior to the event. At that point my body was already sluggish from a physical move and my arms were burning on the daily from the other bicep/tricep challenge and then heck most days my legs were like we don’t need any additional miles today!

Of course there was outfit planning. Tanks and booty shorts. This may be the most fun part of competing because my crazy partner agreed to change outfits four times. Really she had no choice but it’s part of the experience and what sets us apart from others. We beat to our own drum or anthem in many ways. Class act I tell ya!

One week to go and I rip my hand bad. How did that impact the event? Came down with a cold as well a week before so breathing wasn’t 100%. Complaints or excuses? Time to press on and put in work. This is a self note that I am sharing.

The last seven days were focused on eating well, sleeping well and staying healthy. I wasn’t perfect but I made an attempt. Rest being most important since my body is aging.

Last practice session on our weakness was a good showing. Compared to day one it was tremendous growth. Now to wait and see how the big day goes.

Comp day. It starts with the dreadful alarm at 5am, food prep, and carpool ride at 6am. Oh and let me tell you about the ride:

One passenger snoring in the back who wouldn’t share the back seat. Yup, that’s my partner!

One driver kind enough to volunteer to drive knowing the drive home will suck bad. Thank you, CW.

And then me. The sleepy one mesmerized by the cool new truck I was in. Air flowing through the seats and a massaging seat. Yup, just what I needed and I gladly staked my claim for that seat on the way home!

Then the wait for heat one at 9:50am. The morning aches and stiffness were among the bunch as we waited, joked and stretched together. We all prepped differently yet we all did it together.

That’s a lot of idle time for nervous jitters that lead to multiple potty breaks. Fun times all around meeting neighbors in tent city and taking pics as we wait. A group of friends are competing so we will have a blast tailgating and cheering each other on. Of course we are still competing so it’s not all rainbows and lollipops for those in the same division.

Did I mention our team name this time around? 2 Tatted Bitches – ha! Offensive to some but perfect to us! Check out the cool shirts we got compliments of Chick 2’s designing skills. Oh, how the announcer fumbled purposely all day on that name. However, if we made the podium he said he would say the full name prominently. And he did just that!

WOD 1 – my favorite. The deadlift ladder. Easy peasy 205 pounds. We accumulated 75 bonus points with our extra efforts in less than a minute. Took 3rd in this WOD. Feeling good but the worst is yet to come. And the pic below shows one of the good faces. There were many more crazy faces to come.

WOD 2 a and b=death! Add extreme heat outdoors, direct sun and and and….WOD was outside, 90+ degrees and I don’t usually workout outside in direct sunlight. It gave me a new respect for other athletes who compete outside on a regular basis. Body weight movements AKA devil press (named appropriately), weighted box step overs, reverse lunges weighted and a partner row. Part A we scored 4th but Part B was 8th….my no reps for not locking my arms out cost us big time. I was not happy with my judge. Well, we could have given up but this is the time where we kicked it up a notch or attempted to.

WOD 3 – Outside again with a forecast raining wallballs and snatches. Get low, get low, get low…that’s all I would hear for what seemed like an hour. My legs were shot but somehow I was going to have to squat 45 times with a 14-pound wall ball going up down up down. I wanted to puke in the heat was a gross understatement. My practice rounds were timed and my partner was suppose to hold me accountable for a personal best despite the environmental conditions. She did but I wasted breath saying “stop yelling at me.” Big mistake but I made it through by the grace of God. Our time was not our best but we squeezed out 3rd solely with our heart and desire to make up for the WOD before.

WOD 4 – the synchro WOD that I had been dreading since sign up. Not really sure how to explain this other than heavy and weird object being tossed around like a ping pong ball over and over and over again. But it was not a ping pong ball. It was a heavy anchor that bumped and bruised your body and your ego with each movement. It was brutal. And I was focused on this part of the workout making me totally forget about the 100 buy in of knees-to-chest movements. Oh crap! Suck it up buttercup because we had to place high in this round to get on that podium. Thankfully my partner killed this movement and made up for my shortcoming and we were on fire with the synchro piece. Over 100 reps of pure grit and we pulled out 2nd in the event.

It was bittersweet. A podium finish of 3rd. Hard work pays off. Good partner chemistry paid off. Supportive gym mates were the icing on the cake. Not to mention our honorary tatted bitch who donned our shirt and branded herself with Katashi just for us. Was a great friend.

We’re walking away from this event with a medal but it’s not the medal that’s most memorable. It’s the journey. The journey of training that’s years in the making. The fellowship along the way. The learning process of developing skills. The coaching you receive along the way. The commitment required to grind another day when your mind tells you to quit. Mental toughness, tenacity, determination, are all words that come to mind.

I leave you with this message: anyone can commit to changing their environment, their attitude and their perspective. Many will talk about it but won’t follow through because the road along the way is full of big hills, speed bumps and life detours. It is not easy. Surround yourself with a tribe that will challenge you, push you, motivate you and ultimately make you see your own potential. It’s really all about you, just like this post is all about me.

I’m not one to gloat per se, but I am one to share my stories with the world to offer hope to others who have a hard time seeing it in themselves in the mirror.

Happy Sunday, y’all. I’m back to training for my 1/2 marathon in 3, 2, 1….