challenges

Collared

Three decades of silence and shame, broken with one line.

“After 33 years, today I was revealed as Victim 54.”

No photo. No link. No commentary. No follow up.

But I knew.

I drew my breath in sharply. Old wounds burned under my skin. Did he know that I already knew? It didn’t matter either way. What mattered is that now it has finally come to light. Two-thirds more of his life has passed since those betrayals were committed. Same for Victim 55, my dear friend from the same years.

Finally, those in power who hunt and hurt and those who covered for them are named. Those hiding behind the priest’s collar are collared.

Child abuse doesn’t just hurt the victim. It hurts their friends, their family, their loved ones. They are robbed of the closeness they could have shared while the victim hides in plain sight.

Abuse also hurts the victim’s future. Choices, freedoms, preferences, relationships…it all changes.

Maybe I shouldn’t be thankful I was a girl, but I am. When I look back at having lunches with the predator, the gifts he gave me, the attention he showered on me…but a priest with a girl was probably too strange. Instead, he victimized boys, young men, my friends.

These old horrible men, hiding behind their uniforms. Carrying the banner of Jesus.

Power corrupts. Power clothed in a “sacred” uniform is even worse…more insidious. It gets a pass because it wears the costume of innocence. Virtue creates victims.

No wonder I am mistrustful of power. No wonder I automatically resist anyone who tries to govern me, legal or not. No wonder every time someone shows up in a wholesome uniform, I am guarded, cynical, preemptively skeptical.

The damage done by people who parade their trustworthiness, their valor, is infinitely as egregious. It makes me sick.

Sometimes I am too trusting. But when it comes to uniforms and power, I am the opposite: suspicious. I assume the worst. I always wonder if they are humbly trying to live up to their uniform or is there wickedness hiding beneath?

inspire

Writers Block

Lately I’ve felt like I’ve had writer’s block. I have a lot to write but I don’t necessarily want to write as most of it appears negative. However, when I sit back and reflect I think it’s the perfect time to write. Go offload the blah.

When thinking about a picture for this post I immediately thought of my current book passed on to me. The No Asshole Rule is my current read. Although just into it a few pages I thought about the title. It’s meaning. It’s importance. Then I thought about my writings. My audience. My titles. The importance, hence you get today’s joyful rant. Consider this the no asshole zone. Or maybe I am an asshole. Asshat. Arsehole. Assclown.

The system(s) of life can be draining. The political system. The government system. The judicial system. The whole nine yards. Systems are in place to maintain consistency and reduce problems. However, many of our systems are outdated at best. Many systems are broken. What used to work doesn’t. When systems show signs of weakness they should be able to bend and flex, but it doesn’t because it’s a fixed system.

Life is messy. People are messy. Drama is always lurking. Money is the root of all evil in my eyes and ties to most systems, people and problems. The more you have the more you waste. The more money you have, the bigger the target on your back. Politics thrive on money. The government likes to waste money.  Money rules life. Money is a system in itself. A corrupt system because it’s not always fair and consistent among all people.

The judicial system shows different signs of weakness yet its system hasn’t been updated.

I coach one tangled in this system. Most days it’s unkind. Most days money is factor. Money ties to this service. Money means you can’t have this service. Money or cost means you can’t get something you need. Nobody can fix the system because it’s broken and robotic souls manage the chaos. 

The things I’ve seen in 2022 cause me great pause. Influential leaders covering their own ass at the expense of another. Those making examples of this or that instead of doing what’s right. So many people in general taken advantage of. So many trying to beat the system. The proverbial system. The system that sticks out likd a sore thumb.

I like to think I give enough in life to others to know karma is on my side. What about others? Where do they fall on the spectrum? Has the world changed so much in my 50 years that one’s self preservation rules over what’s right? Does money solve problems or create problems?

Each day I seem to walk through the mud of life. Some days the mud seems to be thick and heavy weighing me down. Some days it’s just annoying like a rainy day puddles in a field causing aggravation but not devastation. And then the days that the mud feels like it’s quicksand in disguise. If you don’t move fast enough you will be sucked in. I’m not alone. Many are on the struggle bus at various stages or phases of life.

Kids

Work

People

Family

Money

Politics

Religion 

These are just some of the the words that form a tangled web in which we must coexist. We live in a technology world much like the Jetsons cartoon yet our systems are still built on the foundations of the Wild West. Crazy but in my eyes it’s true.

I still have much more to write but this rant will be paused here. In the muck of it all. May this post allow you to reflect on you and what you do for others, for self, for the system or even how the system impacts you. Heck it was just 2020 when the system dictated everything for us thanks to corona. Did we learn anything? Did we make adjustments?

perspective

The Rumor Mill

Recently, my name was put through the wringer. I was the subject of the rumor mill. Three different conversations on the same day and they all got back to me.

#1: came in an email “…a group of us were talking about this and…”

It was an unpopular decision I had made. A decision people had known about for weeks that came along with a deadline. Finally, on deadline day, someone decides to let me know that they didn’t like or understand the decision. And, they were speaking on behalf of some unknown group of people as well. Great timing, long after anything can be done about it.

#2 came a couple of hours later…same decision, different group chat, more complaints. Again, I hear about confusion, “I don’t wannas” and so on. Of course, it is all just second hand, so really there’s nothing I can do about it. After the initial complaint, other people in the group chat piled on with things that actually weren’t true. I did go to the adults involved and got an update so I knew what was said. But if a friend hadn’t clued me in in the first place I’d never have known.

Finally, #3… yet another decision I made ruffled some people’s feathers. Feelings got hurt. Actions got misinterpreted. People made assumptions that were wholly untrue. My name kinda got dragged through the mud on this one.

All of these on one day eventually brought me to tears. Most days I can ignore what people think of me. If I find out and it’s negative, I just blow it off it for the most part. I can’t do anything about it.

This day was different. All of these were decisions I made with reasons. I made them with doing the right thing in mind. I wasn’t trying to hurt anyone or take advantage.

I am glad I have friends who look out for me. Who keep an ear open for how my name is being used or misused. And who take the time to tell me if it is important.

I’m also thankful for person number one, even if they did speak on behalf of a bunch of people who did not share her courage. I was able to explain myself and my reasons, which then helped her understand. We happened to run into each other later that night, and she thanked me for taking the time to explain. Overall, a win.

As for the others, since I technically didn’t know about either of these conversations I didn’t have the chance to respond. It makes me sort of sad, but what can I do?

Back to not being bothered by what people think or say.

dare to be different

Candle Wisdom

I never thought candle wisdom was a thing until I started getting candles with wise words or wise ass sayings on them. I never really wrote about this but it’s been on my mind thus I’ll give a shout out to some candle makers who have made my day, my week, my season and so much more.

We shall start with the Evil Queen brand. This company does it right! Baddassery, flair and scents that freshen up the stinkiest of rooms. My newest scent received in a gift bag was pretty awesome (shown above), but I can’t forget the new fall scent that makes giggle and smile as I illuminate my living room with freshness (see below). The fresh apple scent is just the right amount of fall flavor to warm the room.

Sitting right next to the coffee maker in the kitchen you will find this beauty. The perfect reminder for the day. Exhale the bullshit! We all need to put that on repeat. Well I do each time I light that sucker up. These candles are such conversational pieces.

The list can go on and on but this company does it right. From clever sayings to seasonal scents to dog mom status. I do believe I’m fond of the boss lady candles as well. I may keep those as power scents for the office. I just adore them all. Way to go evil queen!

I may have just shared my favorite candle wisdom brand however there are others out their taking their shot at the big time or even local small time gigs. I get some nice scents at the local farmer markets and I seem to always get candles in my gift bags. The most recent gift exchange yielded this beauty:

I keep this bad boy on my night stand. This way I burn away the shit of the day just before I retire for the evening. Now this wise woman said: go get you some candles with style, sass and then some. I promise you will giggle every time you look at them. You might even get a full belly laugh when you light it up.

Enjoy the light of my candles.