This is probably not the grief post you think about, but I am grieving a loss. This particular loss stems back to my marathon experience. It’s a loss some forecast, yet I was in disbelief. I complained about my enormous blister post-race and thought that was bad but it was only a short-term discomfort. The loss of a toenail is much more of a grueling process of lingering symptoms and moments of hope for life. Much like a loved one in hospice. I know that’s a terrible comparison yet it seems to fit.
For many distance runners, losing a toe nail is no big deal. It’s almost expected. I was warned but hopeful I was not a going to be a victim. Well fate had other plans for me. I unfortunately lost a toenail. My big toenail on my right foot has found its final resting place in my bathroom trash can! It’s been a process of suffering leading up to the loss. Now I am actually grieving!
Apparently the race caused my toe some trauma. I have evidence of bruising on my left toes but nothing like the right foot. It was almost instantly I knew I had an issue. I am pretty sure I made the mistake of having a gel pedicure prior to the race as my nail had the extra weight of the gel mixed with friction and moisture for an extended period of time. Not good and I don’t recommended gel toes for race day!
First I had to remove the gel to let the air heal my toe. This was fun pedicure #1. Oh how this process took time. Almost 3 months later, I was still looking at a blue, yellow, green and black ugly toe. Every day. It was such a struggle to greet myself each morning with such disfigurement. Yet life goes on. Tennis matches. Heels for work. Exercising. All movements that irritated the healing process in one way or another.
Fast forward to the soaking day in the bath tub, some three months later. The nail decided it had enough. It almost floated away in silence. It was bitter sweet, but also such a sad moment. Naked and afraid my toe was. This new stage was undiscovered. New growth was slowly beginning life at the base of the toe nail bed but brushing was still midway on the naked toe itself.
I’m sparing you the photos but hopefully the picture has been painted in your mind. I have always had neat and well manicured feet. Now not so much. In the near future I will struggle as well. My trip to the beach next week will sit a little different. The toes in the sand just won’t get their normal photo opportunity.
Life is messy. We must all listen to how the universe whispers to us. Today I reflect on my toe. The loss itself. The journey while my fate was lingering by a hair. The experience that was amazing but yet caused this unexpected passing. The second chance with new growth. The disfigurement. All of this mourning over a toenail!
The moral of this story is life goes on for some but not for others. We must make the most of what opportunities we have while we can. My toenail had no idea that its fate was doomed. The disfigurement is a pivot point of doom or gloom. We all choose our paths in life. Happy or sad. Near or far. It’s all our choice.
Today I chose to run forward with vim and vigor. Because I can. I might not be in my prettiest stage of life, but I’m still living it as if I was!
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