Crotchless!

This is definitely a post for the record books. It’s no secret I rise in the dark and wee hours of the morning to get my fitness on before most even think of waking.

I normally dress in the dark and move about in a quiet but fast pace to not startle others. On most days that doesn’t work but the effort is there.

I have had my share of friends who put their shorts on backwards or inside out sometimes and they have done it more than once.  We giggle. We move on. I have admittedly put my shorts and bras on inside out but always corrected it because you could feel the difference.

Then today happened. A story like no other. I did my usual morning routine and arrived at the gym. I scurried into the gym in the dark and said hello to a female friend on the way in. Put my keys and phone in the bin and jetted to the girls room. Took care of business and looked down in complete and utter surprise. An oh shit moment of how in the hell did this happen. What am I going to do and send help please but no phone was with me!

I hear the rumble in the next stall of toilet paper being jostled. Who is it? Do I know them? Who cares! I shout who’s there? The reply was who do you think is here? OMG no time for games, it’s Kim. Thank you Jesus an ally. A trusted friend. Don’t come out yet I have a wardrobe malfunction I said. Ummm, okay she replied. What kind of problem? I don’t know let me assess the magnitude. Oh it’s bad. Thank God nobody saw this when I walked in. Or did they?

My dog ate my pants. She specifically and mindfully crafted a crotchless pair of Nike pros! Yes I wrote a crotchless pair of shorts. Not on the seams like a normal rip she actually chewed around in a methodical fashion. See below for proof:

I have no clue how I didn’t notice before I left, on my drive but I am ever so thankful I had to use the restroom before class since today was squat day. Disaster averted or kind of. Now that my class mates think I legit shit myself and had to leave class. If you think I’m joking see below:

Or if the shit yourself comment wasn’t bad enough I got one about Aunt Flo coming for a visit. Sigh, big sigh, deep breath. Now that my morning has been an absolute cluster fuck I should note the following. My little princess of a bitch dog is mad at me. I threw away her favorite frisbee yesterday because she ate it. It was supposed to be indestructible but clearly it wasn’t and neither was my Nike pro shorts that I happened to like a lot. So I will leave you some cute pictures of my dog but confirmation of her devilish side.

Life lessons learned today. Put your fresh laundry away even when your dog wants to lay on your clothes at bed time. Check your drawers before you leave the house and make sure you have panties on so you don’t flash the world your you-know-what accidentally. Take a few extra minutes and wake the house up to avoid utter humiliation.

I will be forever explaining this in the weeks to come. No, I didn’t shit my pants. I had a wardrobe malfunction. My dog ate my shorts. Enough said! Thank you Teddie. I know you can be sweet like the picture below but also evil when you want to be.